I can’t count how many times I have held an underlying resentment towards people close to me because I let them walk all over me or was afraid to say no. I have stressed myself out countless times trying to fit too much into a tiny little weekend, or stayed up all night completing a project because I couldn’t tell my friend that I needed to stay home that day. I have allowed many relationships to make choices for me, dictate my state of being and determine my life for me. I’ve worried multiple times that my friends will leave me or forget about me if I am not constantly giving my energy to the friendship. I would complain and gossip about other people’s flaws due to my own inability to state my needs in the relationship or communicate my perspective on the situation. I have said yes hundreds of times when I meant to say no.
ALL of this chaos, confusion, pain, and suffering happened because I allowed it. SO MANY TIMES I blamed others and separated myself from greater intimacy, love and respect because I could not stand up for myself. I was afraid of asking for what I needed because I thought that it would burden the other person or make them upset. I was scared to say no, especially in the workplace, because I thought that my boss would think less of me or my coworker would think that I didn’t care. I used to be terrified of confrontation because I was so scared of being abandoned or the other person not caring enough to make a change.
All of the fear was rooted in the conditioning of previous relationships that had taught me it was easier to disregard my own needs if it was making another person happy. I told myself that it would be more comfortable to not say anything at all than to speak how I was feeling.
When I suddenly realized that I was giving all of my life force energy, my power, my love away by not tending to my own garden; I decided to take responsibility for the flow of energy in my life. When I set my own internal standards of how I should be treated and how I wanted to be shown up for, I was able to communicate those needs. But I had to sit down and think about what I really wanted my relationships to look and feel like, how I spend my time, and where my energy is going to.
When I started honoring my boundaries, I was able to see where my genuine relationships were. There is a great saying that I love: “Those that matter don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter.” It is so true. As I started honoring myself and my needs, I was also able to honor and respect others needs better as well. I lost my resentment in my relationships and cultivated deeper levels of love, understanding and trust. There is a great comfort in knowing that another hears your perspective, honors your values, and respects your decisions.
I believe that setting boundaries is an integral part of diversity and authenticity. We all have a unique blueprint that allows us to master our own energy signature. We all have an authentic voice that is waiting to be heard, seen and validated. It all starts with being your own best friend, coach, and parent first. And the rest will unfold.
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